Everyone has periods when they are just not in the mood, and that is completely normal. Desire rises and falls with stress, sleep, hormones, health and the state of a relationship.
If you would like to feel that spark more often, there is a lot you can do yourself. Here are ten practical ways to boost your sex drive, starting with the ones that make the biggest difference.
1. Talk about it
It can feel awkward, but talking with your partner about what you enjoy, what you miss and what you would like to try is one of the most effective libido boosters there is.
Low desire is often less about sex itself than about feeling unheard or out of sync. Clearing that up can change a lot.
2. Get your stress under control
Stress is one of the biggest libido killers. When your head is full of deadlines and to-do lists, romance is the last thing on your mind, and the stress hormone cortisol works directly against desire.
Exercise, walks, yoga, time off or simply saying no more often: whatever helps you unwind will also help in the bedroom.
3. Sleep more
Sleep is an underrated aphrodisiac. Research has found that both men and women who sleep too little report lower desire, and in men short sleep lowers testosterone levels.
Before trying anything fancy, try going to bed an hour earlier for a week.
4. Move and eat well
Regular exercise improves blood flow, energy, mood and body confidence, all of which feed into desire. A healthy diet supports the same systems.
It sounds like a cliché, but feeling good in your own body is one of the most attractive things there is, and it shows.
5. Make time for foreplay
For many people, especially women, desire does not appear out of nowhere. It builds once things get started. Researchers call this responsive desire.
That makes foreplay more than a warm-up. Taking time for touch and attention is often what creates the desire in the first place.
6. Let your imagination run
Fantasies are fuel for desire. Share them with your partner, write them down, or read erotic stories together.
The point is to discover what excites you. Many people find their desire returns once they give themselves permission to think about sex.
7. Break the routine
Routine is a passion killer. A new position, a different place, a game or a weekend away can make sex feel exciting again.
Even if it turns out awkward, you will have a good story and something to laugh about together.
8. Schedule it
Planning sex sounds unromantic, but in a busy life it makes sure it actually happens. And it gives you something to look forward to.
Use the time in between: send each other flirty messages, leave a note. The anticipation often makes the moment itself even better.
9. Work on how you feel about yourself
Body image has a big effect on desire. If you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, it is hard to relax and enjoy sex.
Small things can help: clothes you feel good in, moving your body, being kinder to yourself. Confidence is attractive, to your partner and to yourself.
10. Know when to see a professional
If low desire lasts for months or causes problems in your relationship, there is no shame in getting help. Medication, especially some antidepressants and hormonal contraceptives, hormonal changes, depression and relationship problems can all play a role.
A doctor can check for physical causes, and a sex therapist or couples therapist can help with the rest. Often there is more to gain than people expect.
