Almost everybody has sexual fantasies, and most people think theirs are stranger than they really are. Research shows the opposite: the same themes come up again and again.
The largest study on the subject was done by psychologist Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute, who asked more than 4,000 Americans in detail about their fantasies for his book Tell Me What You Want (2018). This list follows his findings, counting down to the most common fantasy of all.
10. Role play
Becoming someone else for a night is a popular fantasy: a doctor and patient, two strangers in a hotel bar, characters from history or fiction.
The appeal is escape. Playing a role takes away everyday self-consciousness and makes it easier to try things you would never suggest as yourself.
9. Watching others
Voyeuristic fantasies involve watching other people have sex. In fantasy, the thrill comes from seeing without taking part and from the sense of secrecy.
In real life, watching someone without their consent is illegal almost everywhere. In fantasy, or between consenting adults who enjoy putting on a show, it is one of the most common themes there is.
8. Being watched
The flip side is exhibitionism: being seen while having sex, or showing yourself off. Fantasies range from subtle teasing in public to having an audience.
The excitement comes from the risk and from being desired. Most people keep it in their heads, or at most leave the curtains open a little.
7. Someone powerful or famous
Bosses, teachers, celebrities: fantasies about someone with status or authority are extremely common. They combine admiration, the wish to be chosen and the thrill of something that is not supposed to happen.
Celebrity crushes are the safest version. Almost everyone has one, and nobody gets hurt.
6. A stranger
Sex with a complete stranger, with no history, no expectations and no tomorrow, is a classic. In fantasy, the stranger can be exactly who you want them to be.
It is less about the other person than about yourself: the chance to be someone new, without the roles and routines of everyday life.
5. Somewhere unusual
The beach, a forest, a plane, the office after hours: plenty of people fantasize about sex outside the bedroom.
Lehmiller found that a sense of adventure and the small risk of getting caught are a big part of the appeal. A change of scenery breaks the routine, which is exactly what many long-term couples are looking for.
4. Passion and romance
Not every fantasy is about kinks or risk. One of the most common themes in Lehmiller’s research was simply feeling deeply desired: intense passion, being wanted, feeling connected.
It is a reminder that fantasies are often about emotions as much as acts. For many people, the most exciting idea is being someone’s absolute priority.
3. Trying something new
New positions, new toys, new experiences: novelty is one of the most powerful drivers of desire. Lehmiller grouped these fantasies under “novelty, adventure and variety”, and most people in his study had them.
The good news for couples: this is also one of the easiest fantasies to act on.
2. Power and control
Dominance and submission came in second. That ranges from a partner taking charge in a gentle way to full BDSM scenarios with bondage, spanking and rules.
The appeal works both ways. For one person it is about control, for the other about letting go completely. For people who carry a lot of responsibility in daily life, handing over control for a while can feel like a release.
1. Group sex
The most common sexual fantasy of all is sex with more than one person. In Lehmiller’s survey, almost nine in ten people said they had fantasized about a threesome, by far the most popular version.
It combines almost every other theme on this list: novelty, being desired, a hint of the forbidden and an overwhelming amount of stimulation. Very few people ever act on it, and many say they would not want to. That is the thing about fantasies: they are allowed to stay fantasies.
